Maybe it's the weather.

The 5 stages of grief over breaking up.

Denial
Not just a river in Egypt.

Anger
I've screamed my lungs out a few times. It felt good. But the resentment is still there.

Bargaining
I've turned to retail therapy to buy myself some happiness. Which means that my wallet has taken a massive hit. So while I do possess many many many pretty things now, I don't think I can afford another break up.

Depression
Been drowning my sorrows in booze and day-long naps. Knowing that there's a ring sitting in his desk and that our would-be 3rd year anniversary is looming, I'm getting crankier by the second.

Acceptance
Far from it. Things are not even close to being settled, even though it's been 3 weeks already.

I don't understand how we let things go from perfect to pfft so fast.

When I am content, I solidify. I anchor myself down, to enjoy all the moments. When I'm upset, I run, I move, I flee. I cannot stay still. I'm afraid the thoughts will catch up and take over. I've been out every night I possibly could in the last two weeks I walk everywhere I can when before I would rush I talk and I meet and greet I fill my head with other thoughts. And I suppose it works, at least for a while. I'm so tired that I'm completely numb. Oblivion.

Colin is the privatest person ever. So in this situation, I don't know what is mine to tell. Everyone is getting involved but no one knows the whole truth. It's not like they don't deserve to know, but my hands are tied. All I can honestly say is; it's his fault, it's my fault. That sums everything up to a T.

For Xueli, because I need to prove that "heavy" meant emo and not (in Jh's words) lardy :/

Friday afternoon I went out with Darling and blew most of the money that I originally thought would go to my wedding savings.

Friday night I deleted my Firefox bookmark folder labelled "Wedding".

Saturday night I hit Clarke Quay with Reema and discovered that my new dress (purchased with aforementioned not-wedding-savings money) turns me into an ang moh magnet.

Sunday afternoon I got rid of all the stuff that he gave me.


They say that I should overlook it because he's so good otherwise. Are nice guys really that hard to come by? If I just accepted things the way they are right now, it would be just the same as buying a dream home with a graveyard in the basement. Yes it was all in the past, but horrible things still come with the house.

If I have learned anything about you, I know that you will let it go. You will never fight for anything. You will let everything go. You would let me go.

Run.

I caught The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus with Mr Colin. Afterwards, we caught ourselves mulling over the surprising fact that we disliked it even though it was supposed to be a good movie. But the plot sucked, Lily Cole is an appalling actress, and I actually felt meh over Heath Ledger. I guess I would have been better off rewatching 10 Things I Hate About You. To be honest, I didn't loathe Imaginarium that much. It's just a bit llike the time-wasting mindfuck that is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. I actually forced myself to read the book over 2 days, and when I was done I smsed Mr Colin with the words: "Kill me"


Unfortunately, we wandered around Kallang Leisure Park after the movie. I visited the giant Flemish Giant bunny on display at Pets Kampong like I usually do - and found that they had brought in 5 baby netherland dwarves. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. They were incredibly sweet but cost an absurd S$350 each (a brief google search displayed ads where some people are charging as low as under $200 per bunny). So very tempted though, especially when Mr Colin offered to foot the bill :( But I did the painfully mature thing and walked away, because a bunny is not a toy and nor is it something I can invest in without giving great thought.

There was an ah lian at the shop who was super interested in the bunnies too. She was asking the dumbest/noobest questions. It made me sad. Sad that the giant-boobed bimbo will probably get herself a new bunny accessory by tomorrow, while I'll have to wait a couple more years :(